Clearly I'm not a person who thinks life is just about finding ways to make yourself happy. I'd like to be happier and lately, since I've been busier and doing something career-wise that challenges me and is something I have passion for, I've felt better and things are more in perspective.
I am so sick of hearing that I'm dependent on other people's opinions of me. It's not that simple. Meaning comes from mutual attribution of feeling to an object in relationships. For example, times I spent walking around the lake in Hangzhou by myself has meaning to me. The times I spent walking around it with my friend Nic has a different set of meaning. Sometimes I want to translate that meaning I shared by myself with other people because I want to feel like someone understands my story or cares about what happened to me. With Nic it matters that he shares the same attribution of meaning to the experience of walking around the lake with me. The meaning of the moment is that we did this together. If it wasn't important to him, the meaning of the mutual experience changes.
I need to know that meaning is translatable. I understand that it isn't always. But a good writer can translate a small moment and give it to someone else, convincing them that it is their moment too. Some people think it's over-dramatization. These are people who are content with not knowing the deeper meaning of things. They prefer pleasantness and maintenance. The meanest thing a person like this can say to a person like me is that I'm ridiculous. I feel very deeply and meaning in my life is created when I can get someone else to feel it too. I like it when it's done to me, as well. When someone else's deep moment becomes mine too. That's the beauty of friendships, of family, it's ties to people created by transference of depth of experience.
It's not so much a feeling of inadequacy that propels me to want to share something with people. It's not a dependence on their opinions of me that drives me. I just want to create connections, sometimes where there are none. Connections are what make life meaningful. Am I wrong? I don't think so.
Ever since my french poetry class when we studied surrealism and I was mesmerized by the idea that only children and the insane see the world accurately, I wanted to either remain a child or become insane. The rest of us see the world through filters that we learned as we grew up. We come to see things the way our forebearers and society expects us to. But children and the insane are exempt from most of these filters and see the world based on their own individualistic lense and make their own connections. This sort of spontaneous free though was fascinating to me and I wanted to maintain mine. I haven't been able to stay a child but I didn't really expect that I would become insane. But something is seriously wrong with me. I've always been kind of a depressed personality and had my head in the clouds somewhat but it seems to be getting worse or else the consequences just seem more severe. I don't know what it is. I don't know who to talk to about this because people make me feel like I'm weak or immature. I feel less and less like reaching out to anyone because everyone has their own problems and no one wants to hear about mine and get down too. Not only do I feel like some kind of failure at life, I feel like a burden.
I just don't know what to do to get better or if this is just who I am. Lately I seem to be losing more friends than gaining them. It's hard to imagine things getting any better so it's hard to really try and change. I don't even know what to do to change or what exactly needs to change. Today though I pictured in depth a way I could kill myself and have it look like I was murdered so my parents wouldn't feel like they did something wrong. It scared me and I've thought about killing myself for years but never like that, in detail or so severe. It sucks that in this country you need to have insurance or pay a lot of money to get any help. I'd probably go get some if I could afford it. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.
Sexual attraction, for being some kind of base instinct, is rather precarious. At least for me. It surprises me that I'm rarely sexually attracted to anyone. Nearly all my boyfriends semi-revolted me physically when I first met them. I had zero interest in seeing them naked. I was drunk everytime a sexual relationship ever started. I had to be and usually I'm not aware of them but I have some powerful barriers that when rattled cause me intense nausea. I have to be drunk to be coerced enough to ignore them. I think only James is the only guy I've ever dated who I thought was hot before I slept with him. But he did revolt me in a way when I first saw him. He was so attractive that I was sure he was an asshole (first impressions never lie) and when he looked in my direction I intentionally looked him up and down with an unimpressed expression and turned away. Though later that night when I was much drunker and we were introduced I changed my tune and he's the first guy I ever went home with from a bar.
I went out with a British guy on Sunday. I could tell he had a pretty good body and I kept looking at his arms. However, he had a terrible haircut that made him look 10 years older and significantly less attractive. If he grew his hair out I think I'd be more into him. After Jason stopped dressing like a cartoon character I saw him as more manly and sexy. Which seems natural. He called it shallow. Maybe I am, but I don't think so. I don't think it's normal though. I don't even find normal celebrities attractive. The only famous people I would do are: Jeff Goldblum (as he was in Jurassic Park or Independence Day), Legolas (NOT Orlando Bloom, mind you), and Rhett Butler (who is neither real nor is Clark Gable at all alive). I might also do Elijah Wood (as he was in The Ice Storm-- yummy yummy, though I think he was like 16).
I like guys who make me feel girly and not big, guys with longish hair, who dress semi-sophisticated, are a little bit gangly and teenaged looking and are fairly aggressive and don't need too much direction.
If only I could just resign myself to feeling mediocre and decide that was ok. I think I'd find my life more satisfying. Instead, most men I meet bore me. I recognize they are good guys, responsible and have catch-worthy aspects but its just not enough. I think a relationship should be an exploration of 2 people that is profound and provides more interesting insight than your normal friendship. That's what makes them fascinating and I want to come away feeling like I've glimpsed someone's soul. That's what living and relating is all about. That's the point. More than anything I fucking want a guy who wants to see mine. I want to show it to someone and know that they really see it and think it's a special thing. I don't think I've ever really had that. I've had guys who claim to love me but they can't satisfactorily explain why. I always believed they loved me based on some belief, some assumption or projection that wasn't really there.
I often think I'll never be discovered. I'll spend my whole life waiting, wishing to show someone. I think it's what we all want--to show it and feel like it was seen and it glittered and there was something real there. It's why I blog. Maybe someone will read it, see atleast part of it and my whole life isn't just my own secret that I have to keep. Maybe it's just easier to keep it. It's so hard to think you've connected with someone only to find that you haven't really, to realize you are entirely forgettable.
I want it to be ok that my life is just mine and no one will really see how it really looks. I want to be ok with living and dying in absolute obscurity. But I'm just not.
My new friend, A, makes me tired. He makes me tired in a good way.
I've long sought outlets to talk about significant things-- literature, society, culture, relationships, ideas, writing and he is able to talk about all of that and has some perspectives I haven't heard before which challenge or expand my own. Stretching your brain is exhausting, reflecting objectively on your thinking patterns is strange. You're transplanting your mind into a realm its never entered before. Forcing your mind to flex, to walk in a direction it hasn't gone is more exercise than anything physical. It takes a lot to do that, most people hardly ever do that. I rarely find friends who make me think so much. Most of my friends are intelligent and they'd be capable of having these kinds of discussions, it's just that most people find them unenjoyable or aren't well read enough to find the subject matter even vaguely familiar.
He's been a great person to meet at this point in time. Jason made me feel odd-- he insisted I had no sense of humor, he never knew what I was talking about, he made me think what I wanted from life was a little ridiculous. I've dated a few guys who made me question what I should be doing or who made me feel like I was lacking something. My pattern of dating was not entirely trial and error. I usually dated smart boys, with good jobs, an education, who treated me with respect (some more than others) but as far as feeling like I could really talk to them or that they made me feel more like me that just wasn't there. They were bandaids, someone to offer comfort, to hang out with, they were company but they weren't partners.
Because my friendship with A is not romantic and anything is fair game for conversation I feel no pressure to act in my old patterns. Those patterns are to make everything a power struggle, to seduce or to be cute, to seem put together or vulnerable depending on what the situation calls for. Its such a relief to not care about patterns or power games. Who is the controller of the relationship? Who's the catch? I don't care anymore. I just want to be me, I want to be free of my old ways of thinking and of evaluating. Life is about discovery and an interest in others. There are no losers, no rankings. I'm tired of finding myself exhausting. I'm not exhausting and I do have it together-- as much as I need to. I'm intelligent and my own way in the world is a pretty interesting one without games and without winning.
The week before my period I get suicidal. I get convinced that I don't have anybody, that I'm never going to be happy, and all the good times are behind me (fleeting and few as they are). The fact that I'm feeling this right about now means that even though I had drunk sex with no condom with my ex-boyfriend 2 weeks ago I'm not pregnant. At the moment I'm feeling rather desperate for company though I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be very good company. At the same time I just want to be left alone. I hate living here, I feel trapped and I hate feeling ever present expectations. I want to exist on the living room floor with a pillow, a blanket and hours of recorded movies on TiVo and I want to do it guilt free-- no judgement, no concern. I need to shut down and coccoon.
Something's always wrong with me. But really its the same shit. My family sucks, I hate my job, I have no friends and I feel like a fat ball of concentrated negative energy.
I think about my ex-boyfriend and I'm pretty confident he's glad I'm gone. I'm sure if he knew I was feeling like this he'd be glad he's not the one obligated by relationship proxy to deal with it. I think I deserve to feel like shit because I put negative stuff out there. I don't know how to be happy and when I find myself happy I think I'm missing something. I think I must have settled or am content to be mindless.
Things just add up. People who never wrote back, or returned my calls, the go nowhere job, the feeling of killing time (and for what?), no burgeoning romances, just people everywhere who forget you exist.
I was thinking about people who go for what they want. Get me drunk enough and I will. I was thinking about this time last year, pining for my travel companion. Finally, wasted, I watched him on the dance floor and I was tired of rationalizing why I shouldn't make a move. I grabbed that boy by the hair cave man style and dragged him off the dance floor. We made out the rest of the night.
The bigger story doesn't end with me getting what I want but atleast I can say I tried. I made my request.
What do I want now? Part of me wants a new man. I feel so bored. I need to be passionate about something. What am I passionate about? Women's issues...I'd like to volunteer at a women's shelter. I should be doing more to make a difference. I was reading some fascinating articles about prostitution and the way men view it. Most of them hold the "hooker with a heart of gold" fantasy to be the norm. I have a hard time believing that's true. Maybe there are women who like having sex for money but they are the exception. Maybe they like the money and attention but I bet even they have days where they are deeply conflicted about it. I read a statistic that 10% of men in England claim they have had sex with a prostitute. Even normal guys who don't sleep with prostitutes attribute the notion that girls are "just having a good time" like they are. I know there are girls who distance themselves from sex but I also believe they are the exception. When girls have sex I'll bet most are secretly hoping for more than a good time-- acceptance, affection etc. Men don't realize the extent that sexuality affects how you view yourself as a worthy human being. It fucks with your ideas about whether you're good or bad, loveable or not. Most prostitutes want out but don't know how, are emotionally and psychologically crippled, are addicted to drugs, or lack the education to get a better situation. I'd like to work for a program that helps prostitutes get out. I'm going to research that after Christmas.
I've decided to get my life together. Its gotten way off track and sometimes I feel like I'm borderline about to lose it. I think helping others will help me help myself and add some meaning to my life. I've lost track of what I want. I just want to go places. I think I need to spend more time cultivating rather than trying to take. I need to cultivate myself.